This week, my partner and I are celebrating 20 years since our first date! Twenty years! And we’re as happy as we’ve ever been.
Even 14+ months of spending almost 24/7 under each other’s feet due to Covid restrictions hasn’t challenged that one bit.
(Okay, maybe the stir craziness has made us that little bit more silly than before, but we’ll deal with that when we reintegrate with the real world!)
It blows my mind a little when I think about how much the World has changed since we met, and how unusual it seems now when we tell people we met the old-fashioned way – without any dating apps at all. Smartphones didn’t even exist. Imagine that. My partner literally was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar when I met her.
People often ask us what’s our secret to such a long relationship, and whilst I absolutely don’t think of myself as a relationship expert, the things that come to mind when I think of ours are:
1. Fun
We make each other laugh many times a day. Even though I turned 40 last year, we steadfastly refuse to ‘act our age’ (whatever that means) and are often just as silly and playful as we were way back when we met.
2. Supporting each other unconditionally
It baffles me when I hear of couples who compete with each other, or feel threatened if their partner is ‘doing better’ than them – like getting a higher paid job – or an exciting career opportunity. We’ve always taken the view that our ultimate goal is to increase the wellbeing of us both as a unit. So if one of us gets a salary bump that can only mean more security (and maybe nice holidays) for us both. That’s win-win.
3. Optimism
Looking back, we’ve had hard times; times when money was tight, work has pushed us beyond our limits, we’ve lost loved ones, experienced health worries – and many of the usual challenges life throws up. But they’ve never seemed as bad as perhaps they could have been at the time, because our default mindset has always been to unquestionably believe in a better tomorrow.
4. Checking our egos
Naturally there are times when we don’t see eye-to-eye, or have a different recollection of a fact or how a certain event unfolded (and I anticipate this will only increase the older we get!) – and those moments can stoke anger and indignation. But being able to notice that anger rising, take a breath, and ask ourself, “Does this really matter?” then let it go, is less of a recommendation for relationships as much as it is a recommendation for life in general, to minimise needless stress and anguish. Life can be tough enough without letting our egos make it worse.
5. Communication
OK, no list of relationship tips could be complete without Communication. Relationship experts The Gottman Institute coined ‘the Four Horsemen of relationships’ – four telltale signs that a relationship is nearing its end. All four factors relate to communication. It can take time in a relationship to feel comfortable talking about the important stuff, being open and vulnerable about your feelings and insecurities, ‘daring to disagree’ as one TED Talk below refers to it, and it might not come naturally at first – but it’s critically important to find your own shared language to develop the mutual understanding and empathy that no relationship can survive without.
So, that is what 20 years has taught me.
What follows below is a curation of what other people say about relationships. Not just romantic relationships, but also those with family and friends.
In this week’s issue:
- The type of love that makes people happiest
- 12 TED Talks that might save or improve your relationship
- To keep relationships on solid ground, get enough sleep
- How ancient Chinese philosophy can improve your relationships
- Family conflict is normal; it’s the repair that matters
- Why relationships are more important than we realise
- ’The Four Horsemen of Relationships’
Plus plenty of bonus content too…
I hope you find something in this edition that you can use to make your own relationships stronger and happier.
H A P P I N E S S
The type of love that makes people happiest
Passionate love – that famed period of falling in love – often hijacks our brains in a way that can cause elation – or despair. It’s thrilling for sure, but it can hardly be thought of as contentment.
And yet, romantic love has been scientifically shown to be one of the best predictors of happiness. So what’s the secret to the kind of love that sustains long-term wellbeing?
R E L A T I O N S H I P S
12 TED Talks that might save or improve your relationship
No matter how long you’ve been in your relationship it never hurts to have a little refresher on the things that really matter.
This relationships-themed TED Talk playlist covers a range of topics including The Difference Between Healthy & Unhealthy Love, The Secret to Desire in a Long-term Relationship and Daring to Disagree.
S L E E P
To keep relationships on solid ground, get enough sleep
There are many ways that sleep problems can cause bumps in a relationship.
Sound decision-making, positive moods, problem solving, communicating effectively, tolerating frustration and practicing empathy are all important skills for cultivating and maintaining a healthy relationship – and they also happen to be things that go south when you’re low on sleep…
W E L L B E I N G
How ancient Chinese philosophy can improve your relationships
Confucius taught that for something to be improved, it must yield, and we cannot be flexible if we view ourselves as fixed entities composed of immutable traits.
Applied to relationships that means that they’re more likely to flourish when we understand that traits such as stubbornness, rebelliousness, or being afraid of commitment are not fixed parts of our characters, but temporary states that can easily flex, evolve and change over time.
F A M I L Y
Family conflict is normal; It’s the repair that matters. Here’s how…
The past 14+ months of lockdowns, reduced social activity, high stress and anxiety have brought challenges for family units all over the World.
Indeed, in any groups of independent humans differences of opinion, clashing moods and tension are to be expected. So if you’ve reactively bitten someone’s head off at some point you needn’t feel so bad. It’s what you do next, after the dust has settled, that matters more.
R E C O M M E N D E D
Relationships by
The School of Life
Like everything written by The School of Life, Relationships takes the path-less-trodden approach to exploring a core human topic that we all experience – but very few of us take the time to adequately prepare to be good at.
From arguments, to sex, forgiveness & communication, it starts from the premise that love is a skill to be learnt, rather than just an emotion to be felt.
B O N U S
C O N T E N T
A guide to making your wedding more sustainable
Why relationships are more important than we realise
‘The Four Horsemen’ of Relationships: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness & Stonewalling
Podcast: Why love needs laughter
What to do if you’re often annoyed with the people you love
How couples share ‘cognitive labour’ and why it matters
5 great apps for long distance relationships
How to get over a friendship breakup
The Silent Treatment: How to respond when your spouse ices you out
Love vs Respect: Which is more critical for lasting relationships?
How one man finally healed his relationship with his father
“A relationship where you can be weird together is your best choice.”
Paulo Coelho
